God created the earth, but he never set foot on it. Not once. He wouldn’t dare. Would you? If you created this fuckin’ tragedy? If you were God? ‘Course you wouldn’t. Couldn’t, even. 

Hubris wouldn’t allow it. You’d steer as far clear of this here train wreck as yer big fancy Cadillac would let ya. Mind you, you can drive whatever you want when yer God, but when I’m God, I drive the sharpest Cadillac you ever laid eyes on. Yes sir, no doubt about that, sharp and fast. But as it turns out, I ain’t God and you ain’t God neither, and if either of us was, well, I rightly suspect we might have some explainin’ to do. But seein’ as to how we ain’t, well, I’m just gonna walk my white ass wherever I need to go, ‘cause I been poor since I was a boy and I don’t pay much mind to shiny things. Like Cadillacs. Oh, but if I was God, I’d paint her red and I’d run her hard, you can bet yer sweet ass on that. 

Now to be clear, in case there might be some question, when I mentioned that God created the earth, I was absolutely referrin’ to the one and only God of the holiest of Holy Bibles, father of Jesus Christ almighty, and the maker of Adam, the first man. I hate to break it to a lotta folks thinkin’ the gospels are just a bunch of bullshit and lies, but you all better get right with Christ and quick or yer gonna fry yer ass off in Hell for the rest of eternity. You mark my words here and now. I know. First hand, I know. I met the Devil twice in my life and I saw God once. Saw him raise the dead, if you can believe that. Spoke to him too. And the god-damned Devil, he done ran off with my best good buddy Priscilla, and I ain’t seen her, or him, since. 

I do realize up to this point that most of y’all done likely written me off as some kind of Bible thumpin’ asshole or a damn lunatic, maybe even some kinda stone drunk Catholic car salesman. Hell, I don’t know. Half of y’all probably think I’m just queer and lonely with too much time and spare ink on my hands. Well, I’ll go ahead and let ye in on a little secret. I, Joseph Henry Smith, do not give a good goddamn what anybody other than my own sweet momma thinks of me and she’s been dead longer than my first two coon hounds, rest their souls. So think of me what you will. Believe what I’m tellin’ ya or not. I couldn’t give a shit. It comes down to this. Either listen or suffer. The choice is yours. But my advice is you stick around for the entirety of this here story ‘fore you make any hasty or...precarious decisions. 

Now, like I said, God did indeed create the earth, and shortly thereafter he also created the heavens. He created the earth as, what I once heard the Devil refer to, a simple gesture of power. That’s what he said alright. A simple gesture of power. And he said God created the heavens to hide woefully above the stalkin’ shadow of his creation, the bastard children of the holy Prometheus. He said God gave us fire to watch us burn.